A year ago today.

A year ago, I was in the beginning of intense labor. We were in Cottage hospital. Jeff was sleeping and I was back and forth between the two rooms (bath and bed) trying to figure out what made the pain less. In and out. Wave of pain... In and out... Just like the waves on the coast just a few miles away. It was the middle of the night. I couldn't have imagined laboring like that in the daylight. I was hooked up to the pitocin machine. So I had to drag it back and forth. And unplug and replug it in. Terrible. And it seemed to make the pain worse when I had to bother with these tangled cords. After a while I stopped bothering them. The nurse was nice, she kept saying how amazing I was. She turned up the medicine and asked me how I was and in sure did some other things. I always thanked her. Jeff woke up at some point and I told him to go to sleep, I would wake him when I needed him. The room was dark and I wanted to be alone. Now looking back of course I wasnt alone. Lila was there laboring with me. Loud noise waking Jeff. A new nurse. My mom calling and hearing me in the background and heading to the hospital. Finally someone I could yell at! And I did. He was the one person I yelled at. She kept putting a blanket on my arms! But it wasn't too mean and I think she understood. I needed to release that energy! Then I had to push. They checked me and told me if I pushed it wouldn't be good. Lila was on nerves making me feel like it was time but I wasn't dilated enough (only 6). The next few hours were the most physically painful hours of my life and at the same time the hours when I mentally grew a hundred years. What it takes to tell your body to do something that it really wants to. Fighting your own nervous system. Beyond brutal. But for hours I Tightened every muscle and cell in my body and fought the urge to push. I rocked back and forth on my feet., on jeffs shoulders, on a giant ball a little, over and over again. I lay in the fetal position frozen. I couldn't move the pain was too much. I was fighting the urge to push with each contraction coming over and over. I couldn't get a break. I remember begging for a break. My nurse went to lunch (union rules) a new nurse came in. By this point my eyes were closed and I didn't open them until I actually started pushing. This sweet little lady voice with a nice (british?) accent. She turned down my pitocin. She said my body was naturally in labor. (they could have done this much earlier I'm sure) She rubbed my back and helped me to relax between the contractions that were now slightly a part. She stayed with me for a good hour. When my nurse came back she said that she would be back soon and
check me. I still needed to push. I had been fighting my body for hours and was hoping I could let my body do
What it wanted to... Push! She came back (no concept of time) I was 9 cm. I could push. Stuff started happening around the room but I am not sure what. I started letting my body do what it told me to. I started pushing before anyone said put your legs up and counting. And when they did I didn't wasn't listening to anything anyone was saying. Except Jeff. He was in my left ear. Telling me I was doing perfect. I think :) the doctor came into the room, my legs went in stirrups and the counting begin. I totally ignored them. I pushed on my own time and rested in between. I remember the doctor " 123456 okay 1234567 okay12" after a while she just started counting with me. After what seems like a long while hair!!! Dr treble asked if I wanted to see. Of course I said yes and they wheeled in a big mirror. I saw. It was amazing and I will never forget. But after a few pushes I was too busy to watch. I did touch lilas head too. I don't remember when exactly but several times throughout the pushing. Pushing was the best part of labor for me because I knew it it was the end. Soon the pain would be gone and my baby would be in my arms. Apparently I pushed for an hour all together. I grabbed Lila and she was on my chest. The nurse put a blanket on her and we rubbed her all over. My beautiful perfect baby, I was meeting her touching her skin. Oh Lila the world is different now. You are breathing in it.
Written, march 25th 2012 @ 11:00 pm