A new year.

One hour and 20 minutes until 2012. I am 22 inches away from the love of my life. Her name is Lila. This year has been the most amazing year of my life. It has been full of challenge, tests of will power, growing up, falling in love, moving 1500 miles from a place so rare and beautiful back to a place I love, tears, laughs, the best moments of my life.
I love Jeff and Lila. I love my family. I love my mom and dad and AVery Addison and Andrew and am glad I am close to them again. I am thankful e are near Jeff's family. I am thankful Lila has so much love and people who love her in her life.
When I look back on the year my highs are...
Feeling Lila's feet though my stomach when I was pregnant. After she was born and still today, when I hold her foot I feel the same joy I did the first time.
Lilas birth. I remember many parts. I am proud of what I did. I will never forget the first touch of her head and hair (or the sight) or the no words are invented feeling when she was laid on my chest, my hands rubbing her all over and being in another universe called love and more. I told the nurse as she was pushing me to recovery. " everything looks so different now". She agreed and told me "yes, now it is". I went on to tell her everything feels so good and life has a new meaning. A beautiful new meaning.
Three weeks later Jeff asked me to marry him. I knew it was going to happen but not when. Lila was crying and the sun was going down. Jeff was making dinner. He oddly asked me to go on a walk after the ups man was there. Luckily a beautiful park was pur backyard. Unfortunately some teenagers were at the picnic tables looking onto the ocean. He stopped suddenly and pulled out a box. Honestly I don't remember what he said because I got REALLY nervous. I quickly said yes put the ring on and kissed him. I get so weird with gifts. It my head I wanted to slowing take in the moment and do the right thing to show Jeff how much I do love him. But I am awkward so I instead I heeled out. Once I did look at the ring I loved it. And called my parents as soon as I got home.
My highs happen every day. The seven months I spent at home in Santa Barbara were perfect. I will not remember I didn't sleep or all the noises that woke Lila from her naps.
When I look back on this year I will remember the little times, the everyday things. Walking to the mission and rose garden. Trips to the grocery tore. Infant times and Mamatotos. Swings in the park. Walks (and a few early morning workouts) on the beach. Spending hours singing to Lila on or bed surrounded by windows. Watching the hummingbirds on the back porch. Driving across the country, camping in freezing weather in beautiful places. Spending half the road trip over the car seat. Living in wimberley for a month. Lila snorting. Humming with Lila as she falls to sleep. Listening to Jeff read Lila books. Seeing Jeff be an amazing father. The first time Lila laughed. Pip protecting me while I was pregnant and Lila afterwards. Waving in the mirror every time we left the house. I could go on forever.
In 51 minutes it will be 2012. Please let it bring a healthy and happy family. A business that will continue to grow so I may continue to do the things I love.

Driving home from work

I love my job. Being a hair and face artist. Really it is fun. I enjoy cutting and coloring hair... The time goes by fast and most days I don't have time to eat or take a break. For the past few weeks I still don't have time for those silly things but I have to make time to pump. It is so challenging breastfeeding and being separated from your baby. We are meant to be close to each other 24 hours a day. Technology, new inventions, and modern times we are so easily separated. Sure Lila will be "fine" oh course she is safe and with someone who loves her dearly. But no matter how much they love her they are not her mother. Three and four days a week is too much for me. I think the big deal for me right now is being over an hour away. The drive back home is painfully long. Every car in from of me is only in my way to see my baby. When I get home and see her, it only breaks my heart. I miss her so much and I know she needs me and I just am not there. Tears....